Relating

Talk for Conscious Relating

R-Relationships: What kind of relationships are you currently in? What agreements are you navigating within those other relationships that will affect this one?

B-Boundaries: What boundaries do each of you have as individuals and also in accordance to the other relationships that you’re in? What do you want that shouldn’t happen?

D-Desires: What desires do each of you have with each other? Be courageously honest. Embrace non-attachment to them as well. Listen lovingly to each other’s desires as a gift. It can be a very vulnerable situation. If your desires are not matching in the first place (if both of you don’t have a full yes) counteroffer until you agree on an arrangement that feels really good for both of you. Or discover that you both aren’t a match and may need to say ‚No‘ to each other, which is totally fine too.

Getting to know yourself, what you want and what you don’t want is an ongoing process of clarity and selflove. Here are some inputs to that:

S-Sexual Health: When was your last check for sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), what did you check for (regular STI-checks normally don’t include all possible infections) and what’s the result’s. Also: when and how did you have intercourse and what kinda safer sex protocol did you follow. And then: what kind of safer sex arrangement do you two want to follow in your agreed interaction.

M-Meaning: What does it mean to live the desired interaction? What kinda relationship do you want to life now? (one time only, friendship, intimate, emotional support, sexual, building family, children, committing for something specific, work partner, …) *Everyone* has a different meaning around what certain types of interactions in (intimate) relationships mean. Therefore it’s really supportive of connection, joy and ease to get clear on what those kinds of meanings are for each being. The risk of not doing so often results in one person leading another person on, or one or both of you having a fictitious idea of how the relationship is developing, which never feels good nor in integrity for either person.

A-Aftercare: What aftercare do you need from each other after the agreed interactions? (none, check-in after 1 day/ 3 days, texting at each others birthdays, …)

F-Fears: What fears arise while encountering your opposite and/or while sharing your desires and boundaries?

T-Trauma: Inform each other about your known triggers that might open a trauma state in you (within the agreed interaction): situations that trigger your fight, flight, freeze states, or your awareness of your inner places of numbness, etc … Informing each other about those known triggers (there might also be unconscious triggers) creates more awareness and the possibility to react informed and more in ease, when those situations comes up.

https://intuitivewisdom.ch/rbdsmaf-talk-for-conscious-relating/

De-Armoring

DE-ARMORING

Absent

armoring period: conception, birth and first six months
From No Grounding … the feeling of not being wanted or not being welcomed and included into our family, community and into this world or existence… disconnection from our body and living in our minds or somewhere ‘away’ …
To Being / Existing … feeling welcome and part of the world … feeling safe and here… strengthen our boundaries … healing the rejection we have towards existing … living safely.

Needy

armoring period: from birth till the age of about 2.5
From No Basic Autonomy … the feeling that our basic emotional and physical needs* will not be met … constant inner search for closeness, contact and the desire of merging … abandoned and greedy … (*food, touch, clothing, presence, love, mother-attunement)
To Being Nurtured / Fulfilled … feeling enough and loved … owning and verbalizing our needs … healing our codependency and addiction … standing on our own two feet.

Endurer

armoring period: around the age of about 1.5 to 3 years
From No Unique Identity … the feeling of having given up to actually expressing our unique character and fighting for our freedom of expression … constant inner feeling or fear of being intruded, controlled, squashed or humiliated … rejecting our own nature and humanity … having lost self determination and self direction while putting on thick walls and a falsely happy, good, compliant, docile and pleasing image towards the outside world … self-depreciating, self-defeating, self torturing or self humiliating … lack of energy, helpless immobility and passive-aggressive relationship to the outside via inaction, being late, forgetting, not answering … non-trust … resisting change … receiving negative pleasure from our own stuckness …
To Feeling & Expressing The Self … freely living the expression of our unique character … taking a lot of space, time and self permission to safely express all our feelings … owning the need and boundaries for a safe, non-judgemental and non intrusive environment … healing our experiences of humiliation and constantly losing our fight … being free, being me … standing as equals.

Aggressor

armoring period: around 2.5 to 4 years
From No Safe Support / Encouragement … the feeling or fear of being judged, belittled or too much … a constantly felt inner or outer expectation to live up to an idealized, grandiose or perfect version in all aspects and dimensions of life … we learned how to ‘puff up’ ourselves with the values that were demanded in childhood, by being beautiful, sexy, attractive, or sportive, handcrafted, intelligent, intellectual … false self … chaotic internal distress from lack of self acceptance and no safe relating towards a stable primary caretaker who brought in the idealized expectations from a place of low self esteem, self doubt … we learned about the power of becoming manipulative, controlling and liberal with lying and the truth … primarily working to empower ourselves against others to feel safe … performing … fluid, chameleon personality that moves with environment and events to create own safety through advantage … constant shift between inner sense of power and grandiosity to inferiority and worthlessness … giving up on their own values and authenticity to survive … becomes selfish and entitled … trusting no one … killing own painful feelings to cope with underlying lack of self esteem …
To Trusting Others … surrendering to a no-contest relationship with others … owning our boundary towards others of: ‘I will not become the idealised perfect version of what you can not accomplish within yourself’ … healing the felt wounding of betrayal … embracing and celebrating the perfection of being an imperfect human … living leadership and shared power.

Rigid

armoring period: around 3.5 to 5 years
From Rejection of Authentic Sexuality and Heart … the feeling that our natural, instinctual and innocent impulses of gravitating towards others will be dismissed, used, punished, manipulated, shamed or treated with break of contact … we learned to control the unsafe open heart sexuality feelings and impulses, disown them and disclose them into our unconscious … compensating by pleasing our primary caretakers who rejected our authentic approach … pleasing through total self-control and obsessional perfection, to achieving whatever will win us praise, love and positive attention … or compensating attention through over-dramatisation and hysterical expression of feelings in order to prevent us from feeling the true underlying feelings … presenting harmony, order, perfection, grace, athleticism, attractiveness, symmetry, appropriate actions … pride and deep non revealed identity of being superior to others … inner struggle with ourselves and non revealed constant competition towards others … creating competitions between our lovers and loved ones and our inner relationship to our childhood primary caretakers …
To Living Our Love & Sexuality Freely … feeling our innocent desires and impulses of coming from our open hearts connected to our sexuality … feeling the difference of our love and sexuality towards somebody else’s love and sexuality … owning our boundary towards others shaming and misuse of the tender expression of love and sexual impulses … healing the wounding of sexual denial and refusal of heart connection … learning that living our authentic self and authentic feelings is imperfectly perfect … living real aliveness.

https://intuitivewisdom.ch/de-armouring-the-self-into-the-dark-series/

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